Boundaries
If you already know you would like to work with me regarding boundaries, just contact me.
Make sure to read the Services page and the All About Rightly Ordered section here.
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To "get your head in the game" a little more regarding boundaries, read on.
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The six sections below will address:
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Recognizing your boundary issues
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How things are "off" without boundaries
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What boundaries are not
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The "easy" two extremes
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The challenge
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Making and working a plan
1. Is this you?
Are you good with boundaries in most, but not all areas. Or with most people, but not certain people?
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Consider these:
Extended Family Professional Life Friendships Romantic Relationships Children Online Friends Boundaries with Yourself
Do you drop everything and meet the needs of others?
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Are you doing all the work in a relationship, and the other does little?
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Do you see someone treating others fine, but treating you badly?
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Have trouble disciplining your kids and suspect you are too accommodating?
Have trouble saying no?
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Are you responsible for all the change and the other person for very little?
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Do you feel like you’re the bad person for saying you can’t do something when someone needs help?
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Are you around people with big, strong personalities who are not bad people, but you suspect they are taking advantage of you?
Do you try to change something and feel guilty because the other person is upset?
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Is there a way to do this without cutting off friendships?
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Ever get really upset on the inside because someone just complimented you on your amazing skills right before that person dropped a huge task into your lap?
But, aren't boundaries selfish?
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Aren't we supposed to be there for others in their moments of need?
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Am I being disobedient, selfish, or hurtful if I use boundaries?
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Isn't that the Christian way, to help others when they need help?
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Am I supposed to just let them fail miserably, just stand back and watch them crash and burn?
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2. Without boundaries, things are "off"
Sometimes you need to teach others how to treat you.
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Maybe read that again:
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Sometimes you need to teach others how to treat you.
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We need to show up knowing who we are and what is acceptable.
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When we don't, others sense it and may take advantage.
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Let's change that.
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3. Boundaries are not
Boundaries are not high, thick, impenetrable, permanent walls.
Placing boundaries is not setting aright
a power struggle.
A boundary is not,
"I wish things to be a certain way, and these are the conditions you must fulfill to have the honor of my interaction."
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Boundaries are not employed just to get what people want.
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That's manipulation.
4. The "Easy" Two Extremes
Without healthy boundaries we may continue accommodating, appeasing, and apologizing which usually makes things worse.
Without healthy boundaries we may find it easier to
cut someone off completely.
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(While that may be necessary in rare situations, usually an avenue for interaction can be forged with boundaries.)
Do it their way or cut them off.
In the moment, those two options may seem easier.
5. The Challenge
6. Making and Working a Plan
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Identify where and maybe why boundary failures are happening.
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Develop conviction around healthy relationships.
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Create a plan of support for small steps in safe areas of life.
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Establish healthy boundaries in important, usually more difficult areas of life.
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Build strategies for handling pushback.
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Commit to a plan for maintaining relationships in a healthy way.
"I was able to look more to myself for responsibility in relationships and recognize the power I had for positive change, without relying solely on the others in the relationship to change. The understanding of appropriate boundaries is very freeing."